Will write out more about this when I get back home tomorrow. Or maybe I’ll detail it later? It’s very much unstructured in my mind right now; dunno how productive will it be to get it out on paper. Well, let’s see. :) Maybe writing it all out as it comes might help me decide a few things better. After all, there are so many things I want to do in my life ( complete with the ‘so little time’ dialogue ), and as they all differ from each other almost diagonally, hahah, it’s gonna be fun handling them!

God, I feel like writing it all out now! Put me in a real good mood, sweetheart. ^.^ But I really gotta get to my books now, so I’ll see ya again asap!

PS : Tomorrow’s post might get a bit… ‘heavy’, with career and marriage- priority, importance, dreams- talks, lol. But it’s definitely gonna be fun writing it!

In my current situation, I can, unfortunately, not do even a single of the above stated things. Reason? Simple enough: exams. Got the first one early morning tomorrow, and I’m yet to actually study properly. It’s not like I usually get this negligent with my studies, the problem is that I don’t have any motivation to do well ( or even take the test -_- ) tomorrow. I don’t wish to pursue anything related to my graduation field as a career, and I’m already working on my visual designing skills otherwise. But if I wish to go for a post-graduation course in communication, I’ll need to complete my graduation. Sucks, eh? The silver lining is that being a seven pointer already, I do not really have to score much this semester to maintain my grades. Even if I score somewhere around 6 to 6.7, I’d be alright overall. After all, I just need to be done with graduation, not win a gold medal in it. :)

To be honest, I think a major part of my ( slightly ) rebellious behavior concerning my studies is also stemming from the fact that I’m gonna start chumming in a couple of days. And of course, my mood swings are a joy to watch. Complete paisa vasool show, if you ask me. Everything loses its flavor for me, and I consider it my right to act as bitchy as possible. Doing absolutely random things, which I usually do not get the time for, is the only way to keep me sane and happy, lol. So I could go street shopping, read a book at a nearby cafe for hours, take long drives, sleep all day, visit some gallery, watch random movies, write journal entries, etcetera etcetera. Sounds crazy? I guess that would be a part of my charm, if you find me charming at all. ;)

Anyway, now that my mind has calmed down for a while, I should focus on my books for a while. Hopefully, I’ll be able to get done with it in four hours ( at max! ). If not, well, it’s not like I wanna top the university anyway, hah. And I’ll always have my books and colors to come back to. :D

Music: Carnival of Rust – Poets of the Fall

Mood: Gloomy, Stressed
Something seems wrong all right. Symptoms: head spinning, eyes blood-shot and paining, complete lack of focus, nausea, and persitant cough. Feel so like shit, man. -_- All I really want to do right now is ditch everything else, and hole into some cool place. Preferably with mom around to fuss over me a bit, heh. I really miss her warm presence sometimes. And the days when I could just curl up in her lap without a care of the world. Of course, the fact that I’ll hardly get to stay with her anymore. Maybe a couple of months before I leave this place, but even that is  unlikely at the moment. It just sucks a lot, and I can’t even do anything about it.

Feel a bit better. Just a very small bit though. ;) I’m sure it will get much better if I indulge in some good quantities of icecream/pastry. Always seem to cheer me up. :D

Hmm, guess I’ll do just that. Will go get some good pastry – won’t hurt my throat ( much ) either. :)

Ever had the feeling when you wanted to block out everything around you and try to look deep inside you? Sort out your emotions, filter your ideas and fantasies with a clearer mind, just feel your own heart beating, throbbing out random thoughts? Over the years, the one thing that has always helped me focus to this level is having music blasting off in my ears, preferably in a language I won’t understand instinctively. People often question my inclination towards songs sung in a foreign language. According to them, what’s the point if I can’t even understand what is being sung? Well, for the fact, most of the time, I’m not even interested in the lyrics – not that I don’t appreciate them – but I’m more concerned with the music to care much about anything else. Instrumentals are pretty, but human voice reaches deeper than any instrument. The sheer range of variations a human vocal cord can produce is more refreshing than all other instruments put together. And when you don’t want to concentrate on what is being sung, and just want to feel the music seeping inside you, stirring and awakening emotions as it flows, there’s nothing better than such songs. On the pros side, you gradually even learn the language as you keep listening to it. =) Music is an intense experience – there’s nothing as complicated as weaving different emotional expressions  in a thread of tune, and nothing as simple as just letting it capture your soul and wash you away with it.

The dance floor of a discotheque actually uses this concept very well. I’m pretty sure it doesn’t matter to majority of the people there as to what’s being played, as long as it has got swinging beats and rocking tunes! Maybe the fact that you can just be yourself and feel the music thrumming through your veins as you sway to it the reason why they are such a popular hang-out, among other more worldly things. ;) No pretenses, no prejudices, no formalities – just you trusting the euphony in the air with yourself. Giving in your everything, and basking in the joy it brings – there are few things that has calmed me as much as doing this.

With this, I end this entry to go and grab some lunch! It was originally supposed to be about something completely else – well, blame the complete randomness of my thoughts. xD

I gotta come back on track. And I’m doing it starting now. :) Gonna study CN for tonight – for as long as I can. And work on Joomla tomorrow morning. Going out in the afternoon, might get an hour or two in the evening. And study at night again.

Just oiled and tied up my hair – have to wash them tomorrow; gotta remember to buy a conditioner early tomorrow morning. Looks like bhaiyya and bhabhi are home.

Backie! Helped out in the kitchen a bit, watched Agneepath for a while for, like, the 100th time. Feeling a bit weak and drowsy right now. I wonder what would be bhabhi’s or mom’s reaction if I told them that, lol. But seriously, my head goes round for a nice spin if I stand straight for more than a couple of minutes. Of course, it’s gonna pass away in a day or two, once my period gets over, but still, it is kind of annoying. I already am at the lower level of the patience ladder around this time, adding weakness to that just gets me real frustrated. It is kinda self-mocking to admit it, but I do get a lot of lovely mood swings. xD And to tell the truth, I’m totally okay with that part – I get to bitch all I want on this pretense, and I don’t even get blamed! Bitching your heart out once a month is definitely excellent for health. ;P The only frustrating thing is that I actually suffer a lot, and that is something which I don’t care for much. -_- One thing I’m gonna make a habit of now is to work out everyday. As much as I can, as long as I can. Cuz I know it helps even if it is just ten minutes a day. And it’d help my right arm too, so why not? :)

Anyway, latest news includes mom coming home for a while ( yay! ), exams in a fortnight ( sucks! ), studies being highly interesting ( hmm, nice… ), and things going good in general ( cool! ). There is some other stuff, like a crappy network connection ( hopefully, a BSNL broadband is in sight ), loads of work ( as usual ), loads of friends ( fun, though tiring at times! ), and mom-made food ( the damn best part! ).

Oops, gotta go. Dinner ready. Will catch up with you later, my dear WPJ! :)

Started out absolutely wonderfully, in a way I could have imagined but surely had not expected. It was definitely the most beautiful part of the whole day. Early morning was mostly dedicated to studying complex numbers, and while that was going good, I just kinda lost the focus in between and idled around for the rest of the afternoon. Slept a hell lot. Afternoons here are so hot and humid that all you would wanna do would be to switch on the AC and curl up nicely in your bed. So it’s not entirely my fault, lol. Woke up around 5 pm and took a much needed bath. It’s always a lovely feeling to take a shower for the major part of an hour, isn’t it? ;) Now, am wearing my favorite skirt, which had supposedly gotten lost previously ( I remember being in a dejected mood for almost twelve hours because of it ), and the world feels nice again. xD So now I’m going to get back to studying, and gonna keep my resolve, which is to keep studying tonight till I complete all that I want to for the day. I’m hoping I’ll be able to stick to it well. I should be able to. I have to!

Alright, that’s it for now. Settling back at my study table now. Wish me luck! ( “Ganbatte!” “Arigatou!” ) Till the next time!

Mood : Slightly nervous and scared, unsettled

Music : In Repair – John  Mayer

I’m not feeling good. Not feeling good at all. It’s as if the red signal of something bad which is going to happen has turned on inside my system. And this didn’t happen even when things did go wrong a bit. It’s not like I think I’ve done anything against my conscience, it’s just that I don’t want to justify every single little thing to people around me.

—

LMM : Same, Same, From the City of Lira – Origa

Continuing this on the next morning.

That red signal’s still pretty much on, and now I even know what’s wrong. And that I’m gonna get scolded real bad and be held accountable for it all the time from now on. And to be honest, it really was my fault so I can’t really say it’s not being fair to me. I behaved in a really stupid manner– something I know is not expected of me. I’m supposed to be one of those sensible, mature and able-to-think-objectively girls, and I usually do that too.  And yet, I acted in a very naive manner. So it was something which never struck me… I simply did not realize the results of my actions. Of course it was nothing intentional, but the fact that I was not able to think and predict the consequences and implications is something which is truly shameful for me. If it had not been for others, I could have been in deep trouble… deeper than I could possibly wade through at the moment. So if I have to face the repurcussions, I’ll do that with a brave front because I really do deserve it all. Because all I can do now is apologize and promise to be more sensible from now on, but I doubt the trust once gone can be replaced so easily. Still, as that is all I can do ( with respect to this ), I really am sorry about it all. I should have been more careful; I should have given it a bit more thought; I should have had realized the consequences. i didn’t, and I’m very sorry about it. That’s all I’ve got to say for now.

Feeling damn hungry right now… will go get lunch and come back to write out a private post. :)

—

Location : At Zoe, my room.
Mood : Annoyed, Angry, Disgusted, Helpless, Sad
Music : Tobira no Muko e – Yellow Generation, Fullmetal Alchemist ED

As is obvious from the various words describing my mood, I’m writing at the moment because I need to write. Because I hate bitching to others about things which annoy me, and I really need to let them out sometime if I’m to stay happy. Writing’s definitely the first option. :) And it’s easier to bitch when you know it’s not like you’re imposing your problems on someone else; you’re just taking them out in your own journal, and that’s surely okay.

Anyway, the reason for my current mood(s)… is not just a single thing, I guess. Of course, there are immediate consequences of it, but it’s a much bigger problem in the long run, and it’s something which has always annoyed me, even when I was a li’l kid. It’s overprotectiveness. I don’t mind the usual levels of fear and insecurity for a girl, but when it goes overboard, it becomes a serious annoyance. And the worst comes when they say that – ‘ It’s not like we don’t trust you, it’s just that you don’t know how to deal with the world yet. ‘ Yeah, like I’d know superloads if you don’t ever let me do it anyway. You don’t want to let me learn, you don’t want to expose me to the ‘world’, and then you expect me to behave omnisciently and always know what to do and how to do. Even then, you won’t let me do the whole thing by myself… oh no, you have to interfere to make ‘things easier for me’. Cuz you’re just that protective of me. And cuz you think that’s a very good thing on your part. Well, if you ask me, you could very well go to hell, and stay there, and I won’t give a damn. I respect you for your thoughtfulness. I love you for your sincerity and care. But I do not care if you can’t accept me as an individual whose got a mind of herself and who can fucking think, for sanity’s sake. I’m not a kid, so gimme a break and please do not project your love and care for me as your need to protect me from the ‘evils of the world’.

—

Incomplete post – autosaved as a draft. Not completing it, obviously.

Lol. But seriously, things are kind of getting a bit frustrating right now. It’s been days since I wrote something substantial. I have hardly read a book for more than half an hour at a go in like, the past six weeks. I have got a huge load of unwatched animes and dramas at my disposal right now, and the rate at which I watch them is about one or two episodes a week. So while there is a lot which is taking an upwards swing in my life, there are some very dear things to me which have been partially missing, if not completely. I am very happy… extremely happy, actually, with how my life’s been shaping up these previous months. There have been my fair share of ups and downs, but at this moment, I can say that I’m content with at least one part of what I am currently. There are other major parts of me which need to be worked upon or refined, (and these are some very important parts, too) and what I’m concerned about is the fact that I just can’t feel satisfied enough by what I’m doing in this direction. Yes, I have made honest efforts to improve myself and make sure I fulfill my goals, but in the end, it doesn’t really make much sense if I can’t even live upto my own standards. I guess that’s what teaming up with the other things to furbish me with this feeling of frustration at myself.

Right now, the only thing I’m absolutely sure of is the order of things I wanna do that I had decided for myself – 1. Writing, 2. Graphic Designing & Animation, 3. Cooking. Of course, knowing this, I should be able to do something substantial enough to produce results worth being measured on a scale of whether it holds any potential for me as a career. Ruling out the third option for now, as I know that will require me to do a professional course for which I do not currently have the time for if I’m to pursue any of the first two options, the remaining two are ones which are very close to me. Being able to write out my thoughts, dreams, fantasy-filled stories, poems, feelings et al is what has made me today what I am. I owe almost 65% of how my character has been built to the fact that I have the privilege of being able to pen all this down. Literature is one of the only two things ( the other being music ) in my life which have been so close to me that I can’t really call them my ‘best friends’ or whatever. They are pretty much me. I wouldn’t be me without either of them fused in me as they are. And therefore, I decided to ‘make a career’ in the one thing I know I’d love to work in, even if I’m not all that damn good.

Somehow, I don’t really wanna see what I majorly do in my life as a job; I could use my degree if earning money is the only criteria. I mean, isn’t that almost the whole fucking deal why I am even pursuing engineering as my bachelors? Yes, I do get to learn stuff from an entirely new perspective. Yes, there are so many interesting things to know about that my mind actually spins in the whirlpool of knowledge when I study. I cannot deny that I’m not really interested in what I’m learning. But I don’t think I can do this for the rest of my life. I cannot just go around coding, or developing softwares, etc. as a career. And it is not that I’m being headstrong about it. It’s just something that I feel in my guts – that I’m not cut out for this. That while I’m good at it, this will never be something my heart will soar at while working. And that’s where literature comes in. I don’t care what I’m doing, I don’t care how long I’ve been doing it, I don’t care whether I have slept or ate in god knows how many hours. All that matters is that I’m doing something which goes right inside to my soul. And seriously speaking, that’s all I want to do. I don’t want to pursue something which earns me lots of bucks; a simple wage’s more than enough for me as long as I’m happy with the way I’m living my life. And that I’m very sure I can earn easily once I graduate. This was the reason stated to me by my parents when I wanted to pursue literature as a graduation course rather than engineering. It’s a secure career. Obviously, I’ll need to work hard for keeping such a job as well, but as I don’t really have much of an ambition with this kind of job, there isn’t any much of a pressure. And I get ample amount of time to pursue the things which I actually enjoy doing. Because for me, these aren’t just hobbies I might want to keep at while happily living away my time doing my job; these are my heart and soul, without which I know I won’t be able to rescue the me as I am from dying somewhere inside me.

Oh wow, this became quite a serious post somehow. As I said, had been a while since I wrote out my thoughts. Which reminds me – I need to hide my physical world diary somewhere. It’s kinda right out there for everybody to read, and if this ever happens, it just won’t turn out all pretty for me, lol. I usually write in it when I just need to take out something and can’t really wait to type it out, nor can structure it enough. It’s just something which has to flow out or I might get suffocated with it. So it all gets spewed in that diary. Such an important thing lying around can be quite dangerous, lol. It goes back to its hiding place whenever I get to it today. (:

Alright, so this is it. I’ve written all of this in about three to four parts at various times. Just had dinner and came back to my Zoe to finish up some work, when I saw this window open and remembered that I was yet to post this up. Hopefully, after a post or two more, I will be able to post up something creative from my side. ^^ That’s all for tonight!

Ja ne, my lovies~ xD

Moving on, study-wise, I’m not really progressing much. It really is just so boring! ): And I, as always, just can’t make any heads and tails out of it. Oh well, I’m still doing it at a fair pace… hopefully, once I start on EEE, it’ll get easier because that’s quite my pet subject. Whew. I wonder what I’m gonna do about Maths and Mechanics though. Haven’t even touched them till now, and we don’t have any breaks for them either. All in it’s due time, I guess. -sigh- I really wanna do good this time, and hopefully, I won’t mess up at all.

On another note, I started watching Black Blood Brothers a while ago. Your usual comedy and action anime. And it’s got vampires, lol. And for the first time, I wasn’t disappointed ( a bit, maybe… but not in the usual way, definitely ) by the lead character ( who’s a vampire ). For one, he doesn’t keep whining about falling head over heels for a human woman, and the consequential implications of this fact. Also, he’s quite a funny brat, lol. And his li’l brother’s sooo cute~ The lead girl’s a nice change from the stereotypical ones, and thankfully, she doesn’t seem to be romantically involved with this guy. There are a bit emo moments shared between the two, but none gets out of hand. More importantly, there’s a totally awesome vampire in there, who’s definitely the masterpiece of the whole deal. He’s one of the oldest ones ( looks like 22 though, lol ), is known as the unearthly beauty xD, and has got the most gorgeous eyes ever. ;) And he’s the smartest and most tactful person in the whole story. Can pretty much wrap the whole deal around his li’l finger, and people won’t even notice – kinda smart. Just like Dietrich, from Trinity Blood, minus the supposed insaneness. But worth a watch, nonetheless! Still got a couple of episodes to watch… though I know how it’s all gonna end already. :D Anyway, now for the pics!

Zelman Clock - the fire-eyed prince~ It's hard to get find this guy's pics! *_* I'll get some good snapshots the next time I watch it.

Zelman Clock, Sayuka ( his secretary ), with Jirou Mochizuki in the background ( the lead character )

Rinsuke - just another cute vampire, lol. Though I really don't like his accent. >.>

Cassandra Jill Warlock - Cassa, for short. The bad-ass villain, heh. And the second brat of the story. xD ( The first's Jirou, of course~ )

Kotarou Mochizuki - the second lead character. Jirou's kid-bro, and one of the most sensible person in the anime. ^^ Real cute~

And lastly, a wallpaper :

Black Blood Brothers - Wallpaper : ( From R to L ) Mimiko, Zelman, Jirou, Cassa, Yafuri Chao

And that’s all, folks! Laterz then~ ^^