Location : Uchi
Mood : Slightly lethargic
Music : The Rage Beat – Gravitation, by Kotani Kinya
Lol. But seriously, things are kind of getting a bit frustrating right now. It’s been days since I wrote something substantial. I have hardly read a book for more than half an hour at a go in like, the past six weeks. I have got a huge load of unwatched animes and dramas at my disposal right now, and the rate at which I watch them is about one or two episodes a week. So while there is a lot which is taking an upwards swing in my life, there are some very dear things to me which have been partially missing, if not completely. I am very happy… extremely happy, actually, with how my life’s been shaping up these previous months. There have been my fair share of ups and downs, but at this moment, I can say that I’m content with at least one part of what I am currently. There are other major parts of me which need to be worked upon or refined, (and these are some very important parts, too) and what I’m concerned about is the fact that I just can’t feel satisfied enough by what I’m doing in this direction. Yes, I have made honest efforts to improve myself and make sure I fulfill my goals, but in the end, it doesn’t really make much sense if I can’t even live upto my own standards. I guess that’s what teaming up with the other things to furbish me with this feeling of frustration at myself.
Right now, the only thing I’m absolutely sure of is the order of things I wanna do that I had decided for myself – 1. Writing, 2. Graphic Designing & Animation, 3. Cooking. Of course, knowing this, I should be able to do something substantial enough to produce results worth being measured on a scale of whether it holds any potential for me as a career. Ruling out the third option for now, as I know that will require me to do a professional course for which I do not currently have the time for if I’m to pursue any of the first two options, the remaining two are ones which are very close to me. Being able to write out my thoughts, dreams, fantasy-filled stories, poems, feelings et al is what has made me today what I am. I owe almost 65% of how my character has been built to the fact that I have the privilege of being able to pen all this down. Literature is one of the only two things ( the other being music ) in my life which have been so close to me that I can’t really call them my ‘best friends’ or whatever. They are pretty much me. I wouldn’t be me without either of them fused in me as they are. And therefore, I decided to ‘make a career’ in the one thing I know I’d love to work in, even if I’m not all that damn good.
Somehow, I don’t really wanna see what I majorly do in my life as a job; I could use my degree if earning money is the only criteria. I mean, isn’t that almost the whole fucking deal why I am even pursuing engineering as my bachelors? Yes, I do get to learn stuff from an entirely new perspective. Yes, there are so many interesting things to know about that my mind actually spins in the whirlpool of knowledge when I study. I cannot deny that I’m not really interested in what I’m learning. But I don’t think I can do this for the rest of my life. I cannot just go around coding, or developing softwares, etc. as a career. And it is not that I’m being headstrong about it. It’s just something that I feel in my guts – that I’m not cut out for this. That while I’m good at it, this will never be something my heart will soar at while working. And that’s where literature comes in. I don’t care what I’m doing, I don’t care how long I’ve been doing it, I don’t care whether I have slept or ate in god knows how many hours. All that matters is that I’m doing something which goes right inside to my soul. And seriously speaking, that’s all I want to do. I don’t want to pursue something which earns me lots of bucks; a simple wage’s more than enough for me as long as I’m happy with the way I’m living my life. And that I’m very sure I can earn easily once I graduate. This was the reason stated to me by my parents when I wanted to pursue literature as a graduation course rather than engineering. It’s a secure career. Obviously, I’ll need to work hard for keeping such a job as well, but as I don’t really have much of an ambition with this kind of job, there isn’t any much of a pressure. And I get ample amount of time to pursue the things which I actually enjoy doing. Because for me, these aren’t just hobbies I might want to keep at while happily living away my time doing my job; these are my heart and soul, without which I know I won’t be able to rescue the me as I am from dying somewhere inside me.
Oh wow, this became quite a serious post somehow. As I said, had been a while since I wrote out my thoughts. Which reminds me – I need to hide my physical world diary somewhere. It’s kinda right out there for everybody to read, and if this ever happens, it just won’t turn out all pretty for me, lol. I usually write in it when I just need to take out something and can’t really wait to type it out, nor can structure it enough. It’s just something which has to flow out or I might get suffocated with it. So it all gets spewed in that diary. Such an important thing lying around can be quite dangerous, lol. It goes back to its hiding place whenever I get to it today. (:
Alright, so this is it. I’ve written all of this in about three to four parts at various times. Just had dinner and came back to my Zoe to finish up some work, when I saw this window open and remembered that I was yet to post this up. Hopefully, after a post or two more, I will be able to post up something creative from my side. ^^ That’s all for tonight!
Ja ne, my lovies~ xD
